My name is Rene, yes its true.

I can’t remember the last time I introduced myself to someone by that name.  Nowadays I simply go by Ren.

I’ll admit, speaking the word “Ren” most often will confuse people, so ultimately I’ll have to repeat it about three times before they actually understand that I’m saying “Ren”.

“Red? Ben? Rick? Ray?” its always a fun time.

My friend Jake and Lena were having a heart to heart with me (over Jake’s tasteless burger) about why they don’t like my alias name Renzstar nor my nickname Ren.

Jake said I had a complex about my name and I didn’t believe him.  It’s only now that I start thinking about what he said at lunch and I find myself curious.

Rene.  Ren.  Renzstar.

What’s in a name?

What people have called you by your entire life is something you’ll never escape.  As far as I’ve know,  I’ve been running from something I can’t quite put my finger on and I’ve left Rene somewhere I’m not sure how to get back to.

Rene carries with it all the horrible past lives I don’t ever wish to remember.  So when someone calls me by it (i.e. professors at school) there is a sudden jolt of shame that smacks me in the face.

All the mistakes.  The confusion.  The betrayals.  The neglect.  The humiliation.  Its all their in that four letter name.

I’ve never been one to relive the “glory” days, mostly because there so few of them, but I don’t go there because its always usually masked by something horrible, so why even bother.

They were right to teach us as children that names can hurt.

Rene hurts.

I like Ren.  I love Renzstar.  The fantasy of it.  Renzstar is where my imagination is off its leash, free to run through the sun kissed fields of grass in my head.

Renzstar is power; it’s sexy, both of which I’ve never really felt in all my years of existence.

With Renzstar…I am a star.  It’s everything I want to be even if no one else sees it.

At least I feel it.

Maybe in time I will come to terms with Rene and we can begin to build a relationship of some kind.  I don’t blame Rene, but it’s just too sad to hang out with at this point in time.

I love you Jake and Lena, but Rene and I have history no one will ever read in books or discover in some secret time capsule years from now.

Ren is your friend and he’s very happy to be just that. 

Right now.  Anytime you want.

=)